Second babies and sterilisation

Let’s get this straight… I am not pregnant with our second! This post is actually going to be about not having second babies but going for sterilisation instead.

*This post talks about sex. If you’re not comfortable with that (Mum) I won’t be offended if you don’t carry on reading.

sterilisation

A couple of my friends have either recently found out they are expecting their second child or like one friend, due pretty soon! I am absolutely thrilled for them all and so excited for when the new babies are born. However, this is also my worst nightmare. I cannot imagine anything worse than having another baby or being pregnant again. Just the thought of it makes me worry and panic a bit.

I’ve written recently about having Post Natal Depression and my fear of being pregnant has a lot to do with this. Even though I’d had two surgeries and had a lot of trouble walking after Erin’s birth, I went to the doctor only a week after being home to have my implant put back in. I thought that would be enough for me. I thought it would put my mind at ease.

It didn’t. AT ALL.

My fear of getting pregnant again is so bad that it has majorly affected mine and John’s sex life. As in we don’t have sex. Ever. I know this is such a personal thing to discuss and I wouldn’t normally but I feel like it’s something so important to this post. I am so terrified of an accident happening that I don’t want to have sex at all anymore. My fear far outweighs any desire I might have.

Erin is nearly 15 months old now and after admitting to myself that I have PND I knew it was time to do something about the other problems I had going on. John is the most patient man in the universe and would never, ever dream of pressuring me about sex. He completely understands why I feel the way that I do but I also know that it’s just not right. I don’t want to feel like I do and I don’t want to not want to have sex with my husband.

The only way that I feel like I can feel more relaxed about everything is to do something permanent. Sterilisation. I know without a doubt that this is something I want. I never really wanted more than 1 child anyway and Erin’s birth scared me so much and I have so many issues because of it that I just couldn’t do it again. John is also willing to have a vasectomy as well. I know this may sound like overkill but I really can’t/ won’t take any chances. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable enough.

I have a doctor’s appointment this morning to start discussing this and to see whether or not they’ll let me have it done. I know it’s big decision to make but I know it’s the best thing for me, my marriage and our family.

Do you have any experience with sterilisation, either male or female? I’d love to hear from you.

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New year, new family member!

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Finding out what we were having!

It has been months since I posted anything and that makes me a bad blogger! Last time you all heard from me I was 18 weeks pregnant and that was a long time ago!

As pregnancy goes, I had a pretty rough time of it. For the first three months or so I suffered with quite bad morning sickness and I was tired the whole time. I had a couple of months in the middle that I felt okay about but then the third trimester kicked in and everything got worse. The sickness came back with a vengeance and I ended up taking quite a lot of time off work because of it. I couldn’t sleep because I was either up being sick or had the worst heartburn ever which then meant not being in a fit state to do a 9 hour shift. There was also a couple if times vomiting blood and trips to the out of hours doctor.

Pregnancy wasn’t all bad though even though I didn’t enjoy it very much. When I first found out I was expecting I was dreading being able to feel and see my baby move inside me. I know most mothers look forward to this but the idea of it really freaked me out. However, it was the one thing I loved about being pregnant. I would lay in the bath for hours and watch my baby move around (because that’s where she did it the most).

At 34 weeks I had a growth scan which showed our baby to be very small for the date (I
barely even had a bump!) and they guessed at her weighing just under 4lb! I ended up being induced at 36+2 and our little girl Erin made her appearance on New Year’s Day (Erin was born at 7:56am and weight 4lb 8oz)! I thought pregnancy was bad but that was nothing compared to what I had to go through in hospital.

Being induced and Erin being so small meant she got distressed during normal labour and

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Proud Dad!

I ended up having an emergency c-section. Erin didn’t like this either and got a bit stuck as the surgeons were tying to get her out. Other than that I thought everything went okay but I was quite wrong. I managed to get some kind of infection from the surgery so I was pumped full of pain killers and antibiotics for nearly a week. My temperature kept going up and down and I was constantly having to have oxygen but during this time I thought I was getting better; I was walking around on my own and wanted to eat. One night things took a turn for the worst and the next morning I had a tube down my throat to try and empty my stomach, was booked in for all kinds of scans and eventually I was told I’d be having surgery again to clear the infection. At this point I was so ill that I’d sort of given up. 

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One of our few cuddles in hospital.

After the second surgery I felt so much better! It took a few days of recovery, more pills and a lot of being checked up on, the doctors finally said we were nearly ready to go home. By the time I was discharged we’d been in the hospital for 13 days. John hadn’t left the hospital since we got there and was trying to look after me and the baby all at the same time. I had barely spent any time with Erin the whole time we were in hospital so I was very ready to get home and bond with her properly, even though I was still very limited in what I could do.

January was a very different month to what I was expecting. Erin wasn’t even due until 25th January so she was very early. Although having her was an extremely stressful and emotional time, I wouldn’t change having her for the world!

Our home made baby book

As soon as I found I was pregnant I knew that I didn’t want a generic baby record book. The ones I had seen in shops were either very girly or just a bit boring. It didn’t seem like there would ever be enough pages for things I would want in there so making my own seemed to be the best option.

I started out with a basic, black scrapbook knowing I could decorate it in a million different ways. Hobbycraft was the obvious place to start with buying different things and I got some super cute stick on letters which I wanted to use for the front cover. As you can see from the picture below, I have left off the end number on the year. I’m due on 25th January 2016 but I might be early so I’ll have to add that later on.

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The next thing to do was to plan out what pages I wanted inside the scrapbook. The scrapbook is pretty big so I know I’ll have loads of room to put in everything I want. I want to put in pages about my pregnancy and how I was feeling at certain stages. I want to add in pages about our family. I want to add in pages about the baby’s first milestones.

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I’m currently still adding to this list and I haven’t actually completed any pages yet. I need some more supplies first but at least I know where I’m going with it at least. I can’t wait to get started properly and to end up with something our baby can keep and look back at over the years!

Pregnancy Week 18

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Wow, 18 weeks already! I can’t quite believe I’m almost half way there now. When I first found out I was pregnant the first few weeks went so slowly and I thought this would be the case for my whole pregnancy. Luckily, since my 12 week scan things have been going very quickly.

I have to be honest and admit that I was not enjoying my pregnancy very much in the first trimester but now that I’m in the second I feel much better. I’m not nearly as tired any more although busy days at work don’t help very much.

The biggest change for me I think over the last 6 weeks has been being able to feel the baby move. It’s such a strange feeling sometimes as it seems to like doing somersaults in my stomach which makes me feel sort of sea sick. I wish John could feel this too but hopefully we’re only a few weeks away from feeling kicks.

Something else th20150816_210300at has happened in the last 6 weeks is the nursery. Although it’s not finished all of the painting has now been done which was a big job. We’d had that room fully re-plastered earlier in the year so it took a lot of paint to cover the fresh plaster. We got there eventually though. I really didn’t like the colour to begin with but I love it now. As we don’t know what we’re having yet I went for a very neutral caramel colour which will also be animal themed eventually when I get some
extra bits and pieces. The colour doesn’t really come out well in pictures though.

We also now have quite a lot of the baby’s things in the nurs20150816_210206ery now. However, this will all have to come out again towards the end of the year when we get a carpet fitted. I know it seems a bit silly to have it all in there now but we don’t really have much spare space in other rooms to store it at the moment.

It’s only a couple of weeks until we have our 20 week scan and I cannot express how excited we are at the possibility of finding out if we’re having a little boy or girl!

Update to come in a few weeks!

What’s in a name?

Since finding out I was pregnant John and I have been trying to think of names that we both like. I didn’t think it would be so hard to agree on names. There have been loads that either I have liked and John hasn’t or the other way around.

We had one or two that we liked even before I fell pregnant but those have now been scrapped. I have a really big dislike or names that can be shortened. I have always hated it and it really makes picking baby names difficult. One that we previously liked was Imogen but my sister informed me that it would get shortened to Imi and I don’t like that at all.

Another name to be scrapped was Evelyn for a couple of reasons. I didn’t think about it being shortened to Evie and then my mum also said it sounded like a smelly old lady’s name. That immediately put me off!

Both of our families would like us to use certain names to either follow tradition or for other family members and neither of us really want to do this. It’s hard because there is some pressure there and we don’t want anyone to be disappointed.

The family on John’s dad’s side is Irish and I’ve felt like an Irish name would be good. However, trying to find names we both like and that can’t be shortened is not easy.

It’s a long way off until we actually have to pick a name and that could change as soon as the baby is born.

Are there things that have influenced you in picking a name?

Pregnancy week 12

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Since I wrote my last pregnancy update at week 9 so much has changed. It also seems like I have had to wait a really long time to write this post.

So, at week 12 exciting things start to happen and John and I finally got to have our dating scan. We were only a couple of days out on calculations and that makes me due on 25th January instead of 21st as first thought. I’m actually quite glad for those few extra days though as I really didn’t want to be due anywhere near Christmas.

It feels so good to have seen our baby and the heartbeat. I really did not enjoy having the scan though. My bladder was not playing nice and neither was the baby. It was being pretty awkward as it was very low down, had it’s head tucked in and legs in the air! My stomach ended up being black and blue the evening after due to the scanner having to be pressed so hard. It was not pleasant at all!

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Thankfully the morning sickness has pretty much stopped but I am still really tired quite a lot. This week I have been off work and my mum has been to stay but I have been so exhausted that I haven’t really felt like doing much. However, we have been out shopping for the first baby bits. A local shop was closing down and had all clothes on sale for only 50p each so I got as much as possible without knowing what we’re having yet. It’s actually really hard to find unisex baby clothes. I also managed to get a moses basket and stand for £15 which was an absolute bargain.

While I’m still not feeling fantastic I am much happier than I was at 9 weeks. Seeing our baby makes feeling like rubbish worthwhile and I love being able to look at baby things without thinking I can’t buy them!

High Street Maternity Hell

Being 11 weeks pregnant this week and getting a little rounder in the stomach I decided it was time to start looking for maternity clothes. All I wanted was some black under the bump trousers for work as mine are getting that little bit uncomfortable now.

I remembered seeing maternity clothes in Asda a good while back so me and another pregnant friend headed straight there only to be told they only do it online now. After that we went to Matalan who did have some maternity clothes but very little to choose from and in a horrible selection of sizes. We also went to Next and again, only available online. New Look told us no but you can get it online however I think this was just one particular shop that didn’t stock anything as I’m pretty sure another in the city does. Mothercare obviously did have some maternity clothes but not much selection and very few sizes to choose from and no different leg lengths at all.

Photo from Pixabay

Photo from Pixabay

After looking at all of these shops, coming home with nothing and feeling very disheartened I looked a bit more online at maternity ranges. Yes, high street shops do sell maternity clothes but it seems like the majority are online only and if a shop does happen to stock anything the range is horrible.

Now, now only am I pregnant but I am also a size 20 which provides new problems. The few shops on the high street that stock maternity wear do not have generous sizes. H&M for example have both a plus size range and a maternity range, but not both combined. If I thought it was hard to even find any maternity clothes while actually out shopping then finding anything that will fit me seems absolutely impossible.

Being someone who is pregnant with their first child I have no idea how maternity clothes fit. I want to be able to try something on in a real shop and figure out what is comfortable for me. I don’t want to have to order a million different things online, have the money  come out of my bank account only to then have to send everything back because nothing fits. I’m sure any parent or parents to be will know that money does not go far when you’re expecting and if you’re on a budget like I am, that missing money means a hell of a lot when you could be spending it on something else.

When did the British High Street become so anti-pregnancy?

The Great British High Street?

The Great British High Street?

Nursery plans

I am and will always be a planner. I love a good notebook to fill with lists and right now, I have a hell of a lot to plan. One of the biggest things on my list right now is the baby’s nursery.

I’ve always known that I wanted something gender neutral for the nursery even though John and I will be finding out what we’re having when we get the chance. I am not a fan of girls always in and surrounded by pink or boys being the same with blue. Cars on things for boys is one of my biggest hates. When one of his workmates had a son last year we bought them a gift but I found it hard as a lot was covered in cars and I did actually say out loud in Sainsbury’s ‘Motherf***ing cars!’ (Don’t worry, there were no children around)

John is really easy going when it comes to things like the nursery although I do think he would love something Harry Potter themed. He knows I’ll be happier getting what I want and he knows I’ll do a really good job of it. I decided on a woodland kind of theme as I found so much on Pinterest that I loved. My mum’s maiden name is Fox so I sort of wanted to incorporate that as well.

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I love the idea of having a beautiful stag’s head in there somewhere but John is not so keen. Actually, he hates the idea because he thinks our child will have nightmares but I don’t agree. There are so many options for this woodland theme and we have already started with an adorable fox soft toy that I couldn’t resist.

The walls and accessories are not my issue with the nursery as those will be easy. It’s shocking just how much nursery furniture costs new. Our neighbour works for a big manufacturer of nursery furniture so I checked out what they had. I have to admit, I did fall in love with one particular set but it cost more than £1000. That was for wardrobe, cot and changing table but still… £1000!

I have sort of come to terms with the fact that we will not be getting a brand new nursery set, no matter how much I want one. I am thinking of buying second hand and painting so it matches the room better anyway but things like nice wardrobes and changing tables are hard to come by on local selling sites. There are loads of cots but not the other items which is annoying.

I have painted furniture before but not anything that will end up getting chewed on or licked etc. I don’t really want to use wax to seal the paint but have no idea where to start when it comes to varnishing.

I didn’t think planning the nursery would be this difficult or this expensive. I know it will be amazing once it’s done but that is a long way off yet as we haven’t even painted the ceiling and above the picture rail.

Pregnancy and me!

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Being pregnant is such a strange thing. I thought after trying for a while to conceive I would have been well prepared for what would happen but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

While I have been nauseous quite a lot I haven’t really been sick which I am very thankful for. As I work quite long hours sometimes and evening shifts the tiredness has been really hard to deal with. On days like today when I do feel sick and also tired I feel like everything has been completely knocked out of me. I’m glad I haven’t been at work today. Actually, maybe that’s why I feel worse than normal because my body knows it’s time for a rest!

The other thing I wasn’t prepared for was changes to my body. Okay, I know how stupid that sounds but seeing as I’m only nearly 9 weeks pregnant I’m not talking about having a bump because I don’t yet. Since being pregnant my body has decided that it likes to be spotty. I have never, ever had bad skin (thanks Mum!). People used to comment on how good my skin was as a teenager and it’s always stayed that way… until now. Just when one goes away, another spot appears. It’s driving me mad.

I had noticed a couple of grey hairs over the past two years or so but they seem to be breeding in my sleep now. I don’t actually know if this is a pregnancy thing or just that they’re getting worse in general but I have definitely noticed more. I’m only 29!! I guess it’s time to put a colour on and hide them for a little bit.

Speaking of hair, another problem I’m having is it being really greasy underneath. I’ve always had thin hair and have had to wash it every day since I was a teenager otherwise it looks like a horrible mess. However, I’ve always had good shampoo and conditioner and it’s looked fine after being washed and blow dried. Now though, no matter what I seem to do or use the underneath on the right side is really greasy. You can’t really tell because more (nice) hair covers it but I know it’s there. I would love some advice on this if anyone has any!!

I’m hoping that as my first trimester comes to an end my hormones level themselves out a little bit and give me (and my skin) a break!

Pregnancy Week 7

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I’m now into my 7th week of pregnancy and things have really changed since we found out I was expecting. Over the past week or so morning sickness has really begun to kick in. Before, all I felt was a bit of nausea but a horrible half term week at work really kicked my ass.

The tiredness has really taken its toll on me as well. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get or if I rest completely on my days off work. I am always tired! John is being extremely good and letting me just sit in the arm chair when I get home and not move for the rest of the evening. All I’ve wanted to do is curl up with a good book and ignore everything else.

It’s 2 weeks today now until my midwife appointment. I think I got my dates wrong when I made the appointment as I should be having the appointment at 8 weeks but instead I’m going at 9. At least after that I’ll only have another couple of weeks to wait until the 12 week scan which I am so excited about!