The Husband Files: Feeling like a dad

I was so excited when I found out I was going to be a dad. For as long as I can remember I have wanted a family of my own. To meet someone who had chosen to love me and to make a child with her who would be a bit of both us. That is all I ever wanted in life.

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As soon as I found out Lyndsey was pregnant I started to feel nervous though. What if I turned out to be a rubbish dad?  What if I didn’t know what to do, or how to look after the baby? What if I couldn’t teach her the things she needed to know, or keep her safe like I wanted to?  After all, dads are supposed to look and act a certain way. They are supposed to be wise, strong and capable. They are supposed to be able to do anything. I felt like none of these things applied to me.

Lyndsey’s pregnancy and delivery didn’t go to plan and before I knew it I was stood wearing scrubs in the operating theatre, crying, terrified that I was about to lose my wife and my child. Terrified and knowing there was nothing I could do. Less like a dad than it is possible to feel.

Then it happened. My daughter was born. She was wrapped in blankets, a little pink hat pulled over her head, and I was called over to cut her umbilical cord. With Lyndsey out of action I was handed our baby for the first time.  I could hardly see her face through the tears that were now flowing freely from my eyes. She seemed buried in the blanket and far too small to be allowed. As I looked down at her I felt the most important thing to do right then was clearly to start counting her body parts. One head – check. Two arms, two legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes. Two eyes, a nose a mouth, 2 ears. Nothing looking like it shouldn’t. So far so good.

I don’t think I will ever tell Erin that the first thing I did when I held her was to make sure she wasn’t deformed. I don’t know if other dads have ever done this but it seemed very important to me at the time!

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After I had been holding her for a while she started to cry a bit. I decided that the best way to calm her was to rap twinkle twinkle little star. She seemed to like it.

Four months on from that day and I cannot remember ever not being a dad.
Being with Erin and looking after her feels as natural to me as breathing. I hate the fact I have to work so much and only see her in the evenings but I have bathtime, storytime and bedtime with her and they are our times.

She smiles when I come home and she sees me now. She likes my singing and my silly games I play with her.

It is impossible to describe the feeling of being a dad or the love you feel for a small little person who depends on you for everything. Suffice to say that I feel a gaping hole in my heart than filled whenever I hold her in my arms.

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There is no such thing as a typical dad and perhaps no one can feel like one until they actually are one.

I feel like a dad now, and I love it.  I adore my family.

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14 thoughts on “The Husband Files: Feeling like a dad”

  1. Made me cry a little bit. You’re amazing and you are an amazing father to your daughter. So adorable having a bathtime together. <3

  2. Awww how lovely, such a great idea to hear it from a days perspective. I am sure my Hubby felt the same as our first delivery didn’t go to plan either and we ended up in crash.

  3. Such a gorgeous post. This made me well up a little bit. It took me back to the day when my daughter was born and I sat there watching the tears roll down her dads eyes as he held her for the first time. It’s such an amazing force of love from the moment you see them. x

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